My friend April turned me on to twitter’s latest episode of gender bias, this time in the world of gaming. It seems that a woman gamer, Jessica Price, was sharing knowledge via a personal social media account when she was mansplained about a subject in which said dude had no expertise. She got angry and annoyed; a perfectly justifiable reaction. Twenty bucks says this wasn’t the first time some asshat explained a concept in which she excelled – not even this week.
But when she stood up for herself, she got fired.
What makes the firing extra-ironic is the fact that this was the exact form of gender bias on which the woman was attempting to educate – the reinforced idea that women should be polite, acquiesce, and endure insulting behavior, even on their own time.
But here’s what’s also true:
While I am pissed for this woman, and would love to rail against this asshat, giving attention to bullies only empowers them. As a career coach, my job is to empower you, create a safe space for you, lift you up, and allow you to develop what I call a “ring of confidence” so that even on your toughest days, you understand who in your community will lead you forward. How can you do this for yourself?
1. Continue to express yourself, boldly and loudly. And get back up.
I would never ask you to censor yourself. The world needs more of women’s voices, more of your voice. But in order to cultivate the confidence that will allow you to continue to be outspoken, you have to surround yourself with those who support you, cheer you on, and if ever appropriate, provide feedback in a constructive way.
Sound like I’m encouraging an echo chamber? Not at all. I have plenty of friends who disagree with me, but they take the time to discuss the situation outside of the internet, where we can see each others’ facial expressions and clear up any misunderstandings rather than exchange one liners. Real life should not happen on the internet. The internet should be a supplement to real life. Use accordingly.
2. Don’t read the comments.
If I have learned anything from the work of Brene Brown, “don’t read the comments” is top of the list. Trolls are called trolls for a reason. They live in darkness, spread vile, evil hatred, and feed off of the discontent of others. Even if you can’t resist and do read the comments, responding is always optional. Sometimes it’s worth it. Sometimes it’s not. And no, it’s not easy to tell who is benign and who is going to contact your boss, as in Jessica’s case.
While social media is designed to be interactive, that rule makes for a good reality tv series, not you feeling whole, heard, and supported. I’m more interested in facilitating the latter – and I want you to be, too.
3. It’s not your job to educate individuals who want to tear you down.
You’re not going to single handedly change the opinion of those married to their own ignorance. In the example of Jessica and the asshat, dude’s ego was in high gear. He wanted to impress someone with his knowledge rather than learn from her wisdom. Even if you were to change his mind, it’s highly unlikely that it would be done over an exchange on Twitter.
You are allowed to continue using your voice without having to defend yourself. I know that’s easier said than done (and there are ugly exceptions to that rule), but I like the idea of teaching to the smartest students in the class; impart what you can on those willing to be educated, and ignore the rest.
And finally:
4. Align yourself with other women. Support other women.
No, it’s not fair that the world is not safe for women – online and otherwise. But you’re not going to change that by walking through the dark ally alone. We need to take back the night with other women. That means supporting other women online, following them, encouraging them, and if we do disagree with something, perhaps questioning it privately. Perhaps ask for context. I’m not suggesting we blindly go along with one another; of course we’ll have disagreements within our own community. But ask a question before making the condemnation. Then condemn accordingly – no, I’m kidding!
But maybe a disagreement is an opportunity to start a conversation offline that will lead to a stronger understanding and deepened sense of allyship.
Remember, the internet should supplement real life. Use accordingly.
