I was frustrated. And not being heard.
I took a leave of absence to care for my nieces. I came back to work after six weeks to find my world upside down. My accounts were a mess, customers were angry, and rather than stepping up for me, my boss had thrown me under the bus.
My husband tried to pep-talk me with a “lean in” cheer, and all I could think was, I’m tired. I just want to lean OUT.
Anticipating the conversation I needed to have with my boss kept me up at night.
Being able to advocate is so much more than preparing for a conversation. It’s the fact that we are already exhausted. We work so hard and aren’t noticed or appreciated for all that we give. And if we do ask for what’s fair, as women, we’re selfish. Or it’s “a favor” rather than something we’ve earned, and that fact is never forgotten.
At the time, I was so personally affected that I could not get out of my own way. I was anxious, and scared, and my mind was a dangerous place where I did not want to walk alone at night.
What turned it around?
These two tricks:
#1 Shut Up. In negotiations, we have the tendency to be our own worst enemy. We’re nervous wondering how they’ll respond or what they’ll say. We keep talking to fill in the dead space. And it takes us down a rabbit hole in which we give it all away.
Instead, be comfortable being silent. Practice counting to 40, singing a Beyonce song, whatever it takes to stand your ground. Silence is your greatest weapon. Get comfortable with it.
#2 Look ‘em in the Eye. If we’re insecure about the ask, we tend to hesitate, look down, and not make eye contact. But direct eye contact relays strength. It says, I know I’ve got this. And research has shown that in difficult conversations, confidence is just as important as competence. It’s like a good concealer. It masks any flaws. So get some.
It’s a simple plan
But simple doesn’t mean easy. Having a difficult conversation, being able to persuade…it requires the right strategy, and an ability to understand the techniques used by the other person. But it COMPOUNDS either way. From micro aggression to macro aggression, or on the other side, from tightness in your chest to a long exhale.
Let’s exhale.
On your lunch break Thursday, for less than a glass of wine, we will stand shoulder to shoulder with you, and provide a plan. We’ll allow you to focus on the pieces you’ve been missing, and ask questions about your own situation. Join us, bring a friend, and let’s empower one another. Together our tide will raise all ships.
