How to Give and Receive Feedback
The other day I was out with a friend who was complaining about her colleagues. More than complaining, she was ripping them apart. I can’t say I’m an angel who’s never vented about the transgressions of others, but something about this felt … bad. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s the knowledge that I am capable of failing without evil intent, but the incident got me thinking about the right way to give – and receive – feedback.
Because the Universe is hilarious, as soon as I started to write about this topic, the opportunity to provide feedback showed up. And it was not well received. Younger Kristen would have doubled-down, explaining ad nauseam all the ways in which the receiver had failed to act, and misinterpreted the situation. Instead? I had a game plan on communication before proceeding. I double checked my work with professionals. And then …relayed the facts. When that wasn’t well received, I had to take other action. But I also (and this is the most important piece) had to know when to let go. Truth be told, I’m still struggling with that.
What does that look like?
For you in a work situation, that might mean having a skip-meeting to discuss a situation, or reporting a problem to HR. For a friendship, that might mean limiting your time with the other person, or reevaluating the relationship all together. It might mean firing a client. But the Universe requires us to act.
Here’s what I know for sure (as Oprah says): Others have their own insecurities, egos, and lens for interpretation. And sometimes we have to walk away. When that happens we feel unheard, or as though justice has not been served. (If I had a dollar for every that’s not fair I’ve uttered in this lifetime, we could all retire.) But I think that many times, it’s not about us. I believe in those situations we’ve been chosen as the messenger so that the other person has an opportunity to wake up, or make a positive change. They won’t always receive the news that way. But it will still be delivered.
Getting out of our own way is important for growth. We must be accountable, and in action on our path to wisdom.
What are your thoughts?
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